[the movie going experience] FROM HELL (2019)

I just came back from a pre-screening of Rob Zombie’s 3 FROM HELL (2019) and oh my fucking god what a weird piece of shit experience it was.

Before I jump into why I am so shook and triggered by it all, I have to say at least a little something about the movie because otherwise what is the point of this goddamn motherfucking post (okay, I need to cool it with the language, who do I think I am, a Rob Zombie character?). Okay, without spoiling anything, let’s talk about 3 FROM HELL.

3 FROM HELL continues telling the story of the Firefly family—if you don’t know who they are please close this page and never come back thanks kisses bye—and how they survived the shootout with the police, and how they ended up in prison, and how after ten years they escaped, and how they had their fun for a little while until they fled to Mexico, and how trouble found them there as well and, yada yada yada, classic Rob Zombie ending.

[Listen, before you give me shit for being a Rob Zombie fan let me say this, Fuck you, the guy is not that bad, I mean, yes, most of his movies are weak and frustrating but with each passing effort he shows his audience glimpses of his great potential, potential I truly believe one day will create one of the best Horror movies of our time, but until then, I will continue supporting him film after film… after film.]

Again, without spoiling anything, I will say this about the movie: Baby Firefly’s character was SOOOOO GOOD! I mean, based on the trailer alone I had high hopes for her but man, I am glad they were exceeded all throughout the film. Granted, she played a more dangerous mentally imbalanced psychopath, but now with an intensified playful fun side, all while still looking super cute and pretty (that hair!). You could say this was Baby 2.0 on steroids and I was all for it. Also, I hate to be that person but if I could give Rob Zombie a quick note it would be this: Next time please do your homework and visit a real Mexican town instead of watching Coco (2017) and calling it a day thanks kisses bye.

Now that we got 3 FROM HELL out of the way, let’s talk about why tonight was a bad movie going experience and why I pray to god never to have to go thru it again.

Fathom events usually go smoothly but oh brother, I should have known this was going to be a doozy as soon as I arrived to Auditorium 4 and there was no one checking in people for our 7pm screening, actually, there was no one checking in people at all for any screening on the Lower Level of the theater so I asked the first person I saw in uniform what was going on and he said, “They moved it upstairs to 6” so upstairs I went; once upstairs there was a girl helping and doing her very best who said to me, “Give me your ticket and I will change it to 6” and I kid you not she just grabbed a sharpie and wrote 6 over the 4 on my ticket; still a little confused about the switch/sharpie situation I stepped into Auditorium 6 and looked for my seat and oh shit, this Auditorium did not have my seat or the seat next to it (H7-H8) so I went to the girl and I’m like, “There’s no H8” and another guy arrived and said, “They don’t have my H7 either” and I’m like, “Oh crap” and both looked at the girl like she was our only hope; long story short, the girl fucked up badly and her boss came to the rescue, not only for me and my H7 buddy but also to the other eight attendees with the same situation; while waiting our turn for the boss to give each one of us our ‘computer-generated-Auditorium-6’ ticket, we were talking among ourselves and cannot tell you how nice of an interaction it was, I even learned that my H7 buddy, named Christian, came from Germany and was surprised by the American theater experience to what I assured him was not always that bad… anyhow; so I got my new ticket and casually noticed it said Tue, Sep 10, 2019 2:18pm in small print but honey I did not care and just thanked the boss for it, gave a ‘see you inside’ nod to H7 and hauled ass back upstairs to my new H17 seat.

So the movie started and, as expected, more people were struggling to find their seat so you saw patrons coming in and out in the darkness, clearly frustrated and talking loudly; even though I tried my best to not get distracted by the commotion during the first minutes of the movie, I know I ‘missed’ important info and have to re-watch it at some point, oh well; luckily, things settled and the movie went smoothly for about an hour until the blow-job scene when the projector stopped and the lights came up – it was a true ‘what the fuck’ moment but I was still chill and happy because of my girl Baby Firefly’s performance; so, a few people did get up and left, presumably to let someone know about the malfunction (and yes, I gave my German bff another nod, this one saying, ‘I know, America is trying its best’) and within a minute or so a guy with a walkie talkie arrived and said that they were fixing the problem and that it would take 10 minutes (10!) so a bunch of people literally got up and left for a break; a few minutes later the projector came back on and we saw that the movie had actually not stopped when the projector died, so the Projectionist had to rewind the movie while the audience had their eyes on it and we started laughing as it was so silly to experience on the big screen a movie snafu of that magnitude; would you believe the Projectionist did a little ‘too much’ rewinding and we had to re-watch a good 4 minutes (4!) of the movie? Yep, people were talking and texting while the thing was happening and I was in awe at how badly organized the Fathom event was that I actually said out loud—okay, you got me—I said yelling, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS PLACE!?” – silence.

The movie finally caught on and we happily finished watching the blow-job scene. Baby continued giving more awesome crazy-happy vibes. Inaccurate Mexican stereotypes kept happening and, as expected, I kept getting horrified by it all. The movie ended. Lights came up. An underwhelmed audience left Auditorium 6 and at the door each one of us received a free admission Rain Check Pass along with an apology from a representative. Drove home.

In a nutshell, I will forever remember 3 FROM HELL as that one time Sheri Moon Zombie gave me the performance I always wanted from her, and the time my movie theater fucked up so badly even Germany found out about it.

In Love and Fear,

-Marath

© 2016-2019

Sharknado [ Humbled ] Me In the Face

Something weird and awkward happened last week and I don’t know how to process it so I’ll just go ahead and say it... okay, here it comes… I... I, ahem…. I watched the first two Sharknado movies and Oh dear god I liked them. I did. I liked the Sharknado movies. There, now you know my dirty little secret.

All jokes aside, these are the reasons why Sharknado [ humbled ] me in the face:

Because I didn’t know that the ridiculous idea of a natural disaster merging with a scary animal would create such an enjoyable threat to watch / Knowing that tornados occur over land, not water, but still being okay with the silly concept because Sharkwaterspout does not have the same ring to it / Throwing science, logic, and common sense out the window for a couple of hours of unabashed entertainment and not feeling guilty about it / Smiling in awe after catching myself making these faces because of the How-Who-Why-When-What situations:

Noticing all the terrible production mistakes and finding them endearing / Giving credit to the post production team for adding the many, many, many cartoon-like sharks to the first movie and kind of sort of making it work (they stepped up their game on the sequel) / Appreciating the acting skills of those involved in the film because let’s face it, only actors with humongous balls would say yes to a gig like this / Tara Reid’s character going from the obnoxious nagging ex-wife to the understanding badass fiancée on the sequel / Ian Ziering’s character pretty much staying the same between films except for his voice which goes from slightly annoying and juvenile on Sharknado (2013) to deep and manly on Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014) / The dvd covers of both movies being almost identical and rejoicing in the fact that zero fucks must have been given by the art department:

Because it was satisfying seeing sharks inside waterspouts and inside tornados / Sharks swimming on the streets of L.A. and New York / Sharks jumping off manholes and landing on living rooms / Sharks not only falling from the sky but also coming from the sewers into the Metro / Sharks big enough to swallow a man and his chainsaw / Ian’s character emerging from the belly of a shark like a boss / Ian’s character slicing a shark in half in the coolest way possible / Ian’s character in general:

But most importantly, because I was truly humbled by the fact that I could recognize—and yes, I am now being serious—how the FIRST Sharknado was a product of pure love and imagination (in contrast to the sequel, which unapologetically turned its unique disaster horror comedy concept into the cash cow franchi$$$$e it was from 2014 to 2018), and that by simply being the result of movie-making defiance, it carved its place in history as one of the BEST worst TV Horror movies ever made.  

In Love and Fear and Sharks,

-Marath

© 2016-2019

One Day at a Time, Laurie Strode’s Descent Into Madness (Rob Zombie’s HALLOWEEN)

“A white horse ride on -- a bloody sky/ Murder on my face and death in my eyes/ Tomb inside my head -- the hell I'm forced to live/ I gave you all pain that -- I had to give/ Now I'm coming home”

Hello Horror friends. It has been a hot minute since I stopped by and talked about this and that and whatnot and what have you. (I hope you’ve been good, living your best life.) Well, let me tell you that I spent my afternoon re-watching Rob Zombie’s Halloween (2007) and Halloween II (2009) and I was reminded of how much I liked these remake versions of his, but mainly, I was reminded of how much I enjoyed Laurie Strode (aka Angel Myers) descent into madness.

Before I begin explaining my fascination with Laurie’s character, I would like to say the following about the movies and about Rob Zombie himself. Okay, here I go... Thanks to these two remakes, Rob Zombie showed us how badass of a filmmaker he is, I mean, come on, who else would have the balls to go to a Studio to try to sell *his own idea* of Michael Myers? Of the one and only Halloween franchise? Only someone as confident and capable as him would actually do it and get away with it, don’t you agree?

“I dream pitch black -- sleep of misery/ A ghost across the mist -- she come to set me free/ An angel in my world now she has to bleed/ A river of blood -- come back to me/ Now we're coming home”

Halloween (2007) gave us a beautiful insight into the sick violent mind of young Michael Myers and made us (made me) feel a little bit sorry for him, not only as a fucked up kid living in a dysfunctional home but also as a fucked up adult locked inside a mental asylum. Additionally, this 2007 film let us see a different side of Zombie’s Directorial style as it was noticeably more guided and focused, while still having that recognizable Zombie touch (recycled actors, foul porno-like language, seventies white trash vibes, etc.). On the other hand, Halloween II (2009) was a classic Rob-motherfucking-Zombie film. Hello violence and gore! Hello anti-heroes and gritty characters! Hello loud rock music and impromptu dancing! Hello colorful trippy dream sequences and heavy editing cuts! HELL-OOOO!!

[As a meme analogy I like to say that Halloween (2007) is you when you first get your dream job and are on your best behavior while trying to impress your boss, and that Halloween II (2009) is you ten years into your job where you are way too comfortable for your own good and are for sure not trying to impress anyone. All jokes aside, you can definitely feel a switch between movies and, as a Rob Zombie fan, that is simply wonderful.]

Now, let’s talk about my girl Laurie.

Laurie Strode is Angel Myers, Michael Myers’ baby sister who was adopted by a caring couple when her mom, Deborah Myers, committed suicide after not having been able to cope with the fact that her only son had become mad at 10 years of age and murdered not only a bunch of people but also her oldest daughter, Judith Myers.

Luckily, Laurie was ignorant of her own Myers background which allowed her to live a happy life with her adoptive parents. But that all changed when at 17 she was faced by Michael’s reign of terror. [Side note: It was heartbreaking when Michel showed to a scared Laurie a picture of their younger selves to let her know they were family, to what she quickly reacted by crying and yelling, “I DON’T KNOW THEM!”]

“Sister why do I - do I want to kill you?/ I fall to my knees, please, I love you/ Mother why do I - do I want to kill you?/ I am your only son, the one - I love you”

So yada, yada, yada Michael and Laurie have a fight and yes, Laurie wins this one but not without getting all messed up in the process. And mind you, she still has no idea they are both related. Cut to the sequel where the really juicy stuff happens to her.

Two years have passed and Laurie now lives with her friend Annie and Annie’s dad, Sheriff Brackett. Annie almost died two years ago also, but unlike Laurie, she’s only dealing with external wounds and scars. Laurie is damaged internally, you know, emotionally and mentally –both her parents were killed by Michael, and to top it all off the once before perfect daughter and perfect student with a bright future is now barely surviving day after day thanks to PTSD, working at a lousy job surrounded by a bad crowd, having constant fights with Annie due to complicated emotional crap, still experiencing recurrent nightmares about Michael’s attack, going to a shrink who kind of helps her but not really. If you ask me, it is amazing that Laurie is still here, yes, all fucked up and struggling, but still here, fighting, one day at a time.

By the way, can we mention how real the therapy sessions felt like? I mean, I was literally triggered you guys:

Now Laurie was almost 19, dealing with her new dire reality and bleak future, could it even get worse for her? Why yes!! Enter Loomis, the nice Doctor who helped young Michael when he was institutionalized as a kid after the first round of murders, but guess what, now in the sequel Loomis was—for reasons that only Rob Zombie knows—a greedy egotistic jerk, gaining profit by publishing a tell-all book about his work with young Michael where he, unethically, revealed that Laurie Strode (birth name Angel Myers) was not only the sole living survivor of the infamous criminal monster better known as Michael Myers, but also his sister. Fuck. Poor Laurie found out she was a Myers by hearing of the book about the man that almost killed her, then buying said book, reading it in her car, flipping the pages and seeing a full-page picture of herself. FUUUUUUCK!

“I am your only son, the one, Michael/ Help me mama please, please, Michael/ I only want to stay, a day, Michael/ See me as I fall, your all, Michael...”

So at this point my girl Laurie has a full blown breakdown and goes to her friends and requests they go party all night long because she is tired of feeling this way and after all, it is Halloween. So they party, get drunk, get laid, get murdered (except for Laurie of course, but just for now), and the night ends with a horrible standoff between Laurie, Michael, imaginary 10-year-old Michael, and Michael’s mom, ahem, Laurie’s mom, excuse me, imaginary Laurie’s birth mom. Dude, that shit was crazy, one for the books! [I really, truly enjoyed this Michael’s look and body built, clothes and facial hair, but specially I loved that he grunted and—wait for it—talked! See? One for the books!]

So that was it. If you watched the Theatrical version then you were told that Laurie survived the ordeal and that she ended up locked at a psychiatric hospital, however, if you watched the Unrated Director’s Cut (like you should have, you know, to honor the true vision of the script) then you know that Laurie did die and that her “stay” at the psychiatric hospital was actually her last thought as she symbolically descended into madness, alone, removed from everything she once knew, with visions of her mother and the emblematic white horse. Deep stuff.

In summary, I loved the movies and I loved this version of flawed Laurie because she showed us that it is okay to not be okay, and that nobody is perfect, and that not everything goes according to plan, and that sometimes, just sometimes, you have really bad luck and end up dead thanks to your murderous family.

In Love and Fear,

-Marath

P.S. For your listening pleasure, “Michael” by Rob Zombie.

© 2016-2019