I just came back from a pre-screening of Rob Zombie’s 3 FROM HELL (2019) and oh my fucking god what a weird piece of shit experience it was.
Before I jump into why I am so shook and triggered by it all, I have to say at least a little something about the movie because otherwise what is the point of this goddamn motherfucking post (okay, I need to cool it with the language, who do I think I am, a Rob Zombie character?). Okay, without spoiling anything, let’s talk about 3 FROM HELL.
3 FROM HELL continues telling the story of the Firefly family—if you don’t know who they are please close this page and never come back thanks kisses bye—and how they survived the shootout with the police, and how they ended up in prison, and how after ten years they escaped, and how they had their fun for a little while until they fled to Mexico, and how trouble found them there as well and, yada yada yada, classic Rob Zombie ending.
[Listen, before you give me shit for being a Rob Zombie fan let me say this, Fuck you, the guy is not that bad, I mean, yes, most of his movies are weak and frustrating but with each passing effort he shows his audience glimpses of his great potential, potential I truly believe one day will create one of the best Horror movies of our time, but until then, I will continue supporting him film after film… after film.]
Again, without spoiling anything, I will say this about the movie: Baby Firefly’s character was SOOOOO GOOD! I mean, based on the trailer alone I had high hopes for her but man, I am glad they were exceeded all throughout the film. Granted, she played a more dangerous mentally imbalanced psychopath, but now with an intensified playful fun side, all while still looking super cute and pretty (that hair!). You could say this was Baby 2.0 on steroids and I was all for it. Also, I hate to be that person but if I could give Rob Zombie a quick note it would be this: Next time please do your homework and visit a real Mexican town instead of watching Coco (2017) and calling it a day thanks kisses bye.
Now that we got 3 FROM HELL out of the way, let’s talk about why tonight was a bad movie going experience and why I pray to god never to have to go thru it again.
Fathom events usually go smoothly but oh brother, I should have known this was going to be a doozy as soon as I arrived to Auditorium 4 and there was no one checking in people for our 7pm screening, actually, there was no one checking in people at all for any screening on the Lower Level of the theater so I asked the first person I saw in uniform what was going on and he said, “They moved it upstairs to 6” so upstairs I went; once upstairs there was a girl helping and doing her very best who said to me, “Give me your ticket and I will change it to 6” and I kid you not she just grabbed a sharpie and wrote 6 over the 4 on my ticket; still a little confused about the switch/sharpie situation I stepped into Auditorium 6 and looked for my seat and oh shit, this Auditorium did not have my seat or the seat next to it (H7-H8) so I went to the girl and I’m like, “There’s no H8” and another guy arrived and said, “They don’t have my H7 either” and I’m like, “Oh crap” and both looked at the girl like she was our only hope; long story short, the girl fucked up badly and her boss came to the rescue, not only for me and my H7 buddy but also to the other eight attendees with the same situation; while waiting our turn for the boss to give each one of us our ‘computer-generated-Auditorium-6’ ticket, we were talking among ourselves and cannot tell you how nice of an interaction it was, I even learned that my H7 buddy, named Christian, came from Germany and was surprised by the American theater experience to what I assured him was not always that bad… anyhow; so I got my new ticket and casually noticed it said Tue, Sep 10, 2019 2:18pm in small print but honey I did not care and just thanked the boss for it, gave a ‘see you inside’ nod to H7 and hauled ass back upstairs to my new H17 seat.
So the movie started and, as expected, more people were struggling to find their seat so you saw patrons coming in and out in the darkness, clearly frustrated and talking loudly; even though I tried my best to not get distracted by the commotion during the first minutes of the movie, I know I ‘missed’ important info and have to re-watch it at some point, oh well; luckily, things settled and the movie went smoothly for about an hour until the blow-job scene when the projector stopped and the lights came up – it was a true ‘what the fuck’ moment but I was still chill and happy because of my girl Baby Firefly’s performance; so, a few people did get up and left, presumably to let someone know about the malfunction (and yes, I gave my German bff another nod, this one saying, ‘I know, America is trying its best’) and within a minute or so a guy with a walkie talkie arrived and said that they were fixing the problem and that it would take 10 minutes (10!) so a bunch of people literally got up and left for a break; a few minutes later the projector came back on and we saw that the movie had actually not stopped when the projector died, so the Projectionist had to rewind the movie while the audience had their eyes on it and we started laughing as it was so silly to experience on the big screen a movie snafu of that magnitude; would you believe the Projectionist did a little ‘too much’ rewinding and we had to re-watch a good 4 minutes (4!) of the movie? Yep, people were talking and texting while the thing was happening and I was in awe at how badly organized the Fathom event was that I actually said out loud—okay, you got me—I said yelling, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS PLACE!?” – silence.
The movie finally caught on and we happily finished watching the blow-job scene. Baby continued giving more awesome crazy-happy vibes. Inaccurate Mexican stereotypes kept happening and, as expected, I kept getting horrified by it all. The movie ended. Lights came up. An underwhelmed audience left Auditorium 6 and at the door each one of us received a free admission Rain Check Pass along with an apology from a representative. Drove home.
In a nutshell, I will forever remember 3 FROM HELL as that one time Sheri Moon Zombie gave me the performance I always wanted from her, and the time my movie theater fucked up so badly even Germany found out about it.
In Love and Fear,
-Marath
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