Yes to YAZ! – Wrong Turn (2003)

July 4, 2019

Happy 4th of July, horror family! Today has been a full day for me so I decided to slow down and retreat to my horror cave (aka my studio room) while I wait for my husband to cook an all American dinner so we can eat while watching fireworks. What better way to get re-energized than by sitting in front of my computer and tell you about a movie that makes me think about this holiday? (And no, it is not Jaws.)

Enter Wrong Turn (2003) and its inbred cannibal family. I first watched Wrong Turn back in my collage days, back when we used to rent movies at Blockbuster, back when we did not have an official term for Netflix and chill. I remember I kind of watched the movie and kind of liked it. Fast forward to many years later and, after owning my own copy and having given it a full uninterrupted watch, I can now say without a doubt that Wrong Turn was for sure a good movie. But why exactly do I associate this film with the 4th of July? I have no idea. It is one of those Marath quirks I have learned to accept and love. It is what it is. No big deal.

Wrong Turn tells the story of a group of friends and a total stranger joining forces to not only get safely to the main road (they were both stranded and lost), but also to avoid getting murdered by the inbred cannibals; on that note, the opening credits of the film was one of the better ones I’ve seen as it gave a full backstory as to who the antagonists were (I just love it when the Art and Design Departments set the mood well in that way –perfection!).

Okay, without further ado, I would like to give you my Yes to YAZ! list of my top 5 favorite things from Wrong Turn:

5. WHO EVEN LIVES HERE? That moment when our protagonists find a house and hope they can be helped by the owners, just to realize the house is empty and that it is a mess, a total chaotic and disgusting mess, in fact, it is such a mess that the jars full of body parts are all dusty and grimy, I mean, dust? Gross.

4. THIS IS US AND THIS IS OUR HOUSE. When we get to see up-close and personal the antagonists of the film and each one of them looks more grotesque than the other. Excuse me, how many horror movies do we have to make to remind you guys that inbreeding is wrong? I mean…

3. FRANCINE’S KILL. Brava!

2. THIS TOTAL BABE. He is the typical dude who does not say Sorry or Thank You when a situation totally calls for it, I mean, he does not have time for you and your shenanigans, he just moves forward and looks incredible hot while doing it. Good for him.

1. JESSIE, THE TOUGHEST OF THEM ALL. Alright, alright, I will get serious for this one. Jessie gets introduced to us when she goes looking on her own for the object that gave their truck a flat tire. Jessie is her own person, she is strong, resourceful, and caring for those around her, but don’t mistake her kindness with weakness as she is the type of woman that will ask if you are okay after you had an accident and, after making sure you are good to go, will throw a big backpack at you and say, “Good, you are the mule” and have you follow her and her team toward safety. Jessie is the kind of woman you need to have on your side when things get rough. She will be wise to know when to push you and when to give you a hand. She will lead by example. She will be confident and quiet. She is here and that is enough.

You guys perfect timing, dinner is ready. Happy 4th and stay safe.

In Love and Fear,

-Marath

My Evening with Gus Gilbert – PET SEMATARY II (1992)

July 1, 2019

I have come here tonight not to talk about Pet Sematary II (1992) per se—although I will say real quick that it was a fabulous sequel with its own fresh take on death, I mean, all the unexpected accidents and kills!—but I am here to talk about one of its main characters, Gus Gilbert.

I was extremely surprised by this character and not for the usual reasons (outstanding portrayal of human suffering, navigation of extreme emotions with ease, etc.), but for the most basic and visceral one (he was insanely attractive and made me feel the feels). That is right, Gus reminded me that it is okay for Hollywood to use sex appeal as a tool to grab the audience by the proverbial balls (or ovaries), to make things exciting for adults, to arouse interest, yada yada sex.

As those of you who know me in real life have attested, I cannot resist a man in uniform, I mean, just thinking about it “puts me” in a “great” mood (wow, you cannot “unread” that… well, that line has been crossed and we are officially intimate horror friends now). Enter Gus and his police uniform and cocky attitude. Gus is not only the respected [feared?] Sherriff of the town but also an attentive [lustful?] husband and protective [terrifying?] stepdad who, to the best of our knowledge, collects rabbits because he enjoys stroking their soft fur and watching them procreate… again, I am so sorry you had to read that, I did not write the movie script, I just enjoyed it and now I’m telling you about it!

Anyhow, Gus rocked his sexual face, wavy luscious hair, tall built body, intimidating uniform, and tough attitude all throughout the movie, even when he was bit by the possessed dog and got himself turned into to a crazed zombie.

That’s it. That’s all I really wanted to say tonight. He’s too hot for his own good and I am living for it. (Hey, listen, we are not here to judge each other, but I do hope that your opinion about me has not changed now that you know I am a disgusting person for celebrating and applauding the gorgeous and dangerous Gus Gilbert.)

The End,

-Marath

Elevated Horror, The Orphanage (2007)

June 28, 2019

My coworker friend, Carrie with a K, casually showed me today over lunch the below trailer for The Orphanage (2007) and I was immediately pulled in, I mean, before the trailer was over I was like, Yes, yes, I’m watching this movie tonight, yes! And so I did.

Granted, I knew of this Guillermo del Toro movie, I knew it was a Spanish production, I knew it was about kid ghosts at an orphanage, but that was pretty much it (had not watched the trailer prior to today). And yet, all that basic info was not enough for me to wanting to watch the movie as, in my mind, it seemed I had seen one too many orphan-related movies already so this one felt unnecessary... blasphemy! Sometimes my own ignorance amuses me more than anything #noshame.

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

Okay, so let’s slow down for a sec. Alright. The movie focuses mainly on the beautiful mother-son relationship between Laura and Simon, as well as on how Laura and her husband Carlos face the emptiness of their lives once Simon goes missing. The ghosts and the house are secondary in my opinion.

It is important to mention that little Simon was adopted and sick (HIV) and both of those two things were kept secret from him by his parents, but revealed to him by his ghost friends. That is right, little Simon was able to see dead people because—as medium Aurora cleverly put it—he was close to death. By the way, medium Aurora did a thing (how to you call it when you go into a trance and talk to the dead? Yeah, that…) at the parents’ house after little Simon had been missing for nine months. Aurora revealed a ton of disturbing information that sounded true to Laura because Laura used to live there as a kid; back in the day that house was an orphanage, but now it was Laura’s house as she bought it and was planning to re-open it as an orphanage for kids with disabilities.

So, okay, now that medium Aurora had sort of confirmed what little Simon had once said to Laura (imaginary friends) plus the things Laura knew she had seen (kid with hood), she was convinced there were ghosts in the house and that she was going to ‘play their games’ in order to find her missing son. Oh yeah, the imaginary friends from Simon were her own real friends from when she was a kid orphan herself. That’s right, the kids died (poisoning) after Laura got adopted, so their souls stayed trapped in the house.

I will not ruin the ending for you as I believe you deserve to see it on your own if you have not done so yet. The movie demands to be watched from beginning to end with the outmost attention to detail; the sounds, the visuals, the characters, the dialogue, the tense moments, the scary moments, the tender moments, they all work together to bring you an elevated horror experience.

In this new horror era where profitable movies are produced left and right, where squalid sequels and prequels are put in theaters every few months, where horror stories threaten to look down on true horror fans, it is our responsibility to speak up when something with value and weight comes our way. So listen up horror family, this is me telling you to save your dollars, skip the Annabelle’s and the Chucky’s of the world and watch online The Orphanage (2007) as soon as possible and let quality horror enrich your life.

Because we are worth it,

-Marath