Dead Snow Kills Me LOL

May 26, 2019

When you think about funny foreign movies, Nazi zombies causing ruckus in the snowy mountains of Norway should not be what immediately comes into your mind, but—surprise!—that is what happens to me thanks to Dead Snow (2009). The movie is a funny horror story about a group of friends who gets terrorized by greedy Nazi zombies, all while trying to have an honest-to-God good time over a secluded cabin. (Those cabins in the middle of nowhere, man, I mean, every single time!)

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

Here are the reasons why Dead Snow has me HaHa-ing and LOL-ing like nobody’s business:

~Erlend and his many Hollywood references as well as each time he speaks in English

~Erlend and Chris’s love scene at the outhouse and when Chris ‘falls’ into the latrine

~When Erlend gets killed, but only because of that head-splits-and-brain-drops moment

~Every time Martin—a Med student—shows how much of a frighten hot mess he is at the sight of blood

~When Martin and Roy are left behind at the cabin to wait for Sara and Vegard and this happens:

~The awkward way the Nazi zombies run across the snow, I mean, yes, they look menacing and scary, but mainly awkward

~When Liv is getting gutted by two zombies and she somehow grabs a grenade from one of their belts and the other zombie sees it and kind of gives an Oh-oh look

~When Martin—a now miraculously changed brave man—gets bitten and decides to low-key amputate his own arm and, ahem, something else? Here, take a look:

~When Roy gets gutted by a tree branch… but it is only funny because that is how the creepy visitor predicted he was going to die after Roy was a total jerk to him

~When Martin, against all odds, is the sole survivor and makes it safely to the car and finds the hidden gold coin from Hanna and, oh no, suddenly the main badass treasure-hungry Nazi zombie gets outside his window and a very clear, loud, and satisfying “FUCK” is said by the very proper Martin

The End,

—Marath

Me Against The World: The Bye Bye Man (2017)

May 6, 2019

I finally got to watch The Bye Bye Man (2017) and I am surprised at how much I did not dislike it. I repeat, I did not dislike The Bye Bye Man. Seriously, after some of my favorite horror youtubers gave it terrible, unmannerly reviews and basically called it a piece of shit, I was expecting to have a good time on my own by pointing out all the things that made it laughably bad for me but, ahem, I just found one thing that made me roll my eyes hard and it was the CGI dog. That’s it.

I cannot express how much I trusted others’ opinions and was expecting to have a blast tonight by poking fun at the movie but, instead, I was left with a weird feeling because it made me wonder stuff about myself like, do I enjoy shitty movies? Or even worse, have I lost touch and cannot longer distinguish good from bad horror? And most importantly, what other movies have I watched (or not watched) due to my taking recommendations blindly from people I admire in the horror community?

Oh brother, The Bye Bye Man was supposed to give me ninety minutes of easy entertainment where I was going to laugh, perhaps make some jokes, and call it a night. Instead, it made me take a look at myself and open my eyes to what I have potentially missed for being a follower. Fuck.

Like I said, the movie was not that bad in my opinion which, yes, kind of makes me sound like an insane person for admitting it. I mean, the general disapproval is real, just google the reviews and the whole internet will shout their hate towards it. I am not exaggerating, people HAAAAATE it.

I don’t know. I need to go and gather my thoughts. I was not expecting this.

-Marath

Big Screen Experience: Beetlejuice (1988)

April 16, 2019

Last week I saw Beetlejuice (1988) on the big screen here at my local movie theater and it was great, no, wait, it was better than great, it was freaking amazing! I was just a little kid when the movie came out in the 80’s so I had of course assumed that that was it, I would never see the movie (now one of my top 10 favorites) like it was meant to be watched, in theaters.

Long story short, fast-forward thirty-one years later and voilà, a miracle happened! Oh dear god, when the room got dark and the movie’s catchy opening title (the one I have watched on my television countless number of times) started playing, I felt overwhelmed with joy and dread… hear me out, joy because duh, but dread because how (how!?) could I ever have a better movie-going experience than this? It was Beetlejuice, people, Beetlejuice on the big screen! AH!

I had a great time at the movies and did not mind embarrassing myself in front of all those strangers; I said out loud in unison the lines I love so much (This is my art, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this? / I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane, and I will take you with me! / Go ahead, make my millennium. / Nice fuckin' model! / It's showtime.), I sang and danced on my seat to its iconic songs ("Day O" / "Jump In The Line"), but most importantly, I laughed, I laughed so much and so hard I thought I was going to get kicked out of the place. Put simply, it was the perfect experience.

The storyline of Beetlejuice represents to me the ups and downs of life, all while being told in the most bizarre, cynical, hilarious way possible… hear me out, you have a couple of newlyweds spending their vacation at home with all their plans of relaxation (Adam) and renovation (Barbara), even contemplating trying for a family again. The Maitland’s live a simple happy life. Until they die due to random events. No big plan, no reason why, just dead. The end. Enter the afterlife and all its complicated rules to which you either adapt and learn fast or, well, you have seen the movie. Beetlejuice reminds me that life is short and random and that it is up to me to get on with it and adapt to its craziness, all while having as much fun as possible while I still can.

Closing side note: I have realized that as I type this today Tuesday, April 16, 2019 I, myself, am on vacation just like the Maitland’s were, spending my time off at home with the intention of relaxing and renovating… mmh, I am suddenly feeling a strong aversion from dogs and bridges.

In Love and Fear,

-Marath